The insecurities of queerness
I think the ordeal of coming out, or choosing not to, the choice itself, has a nature that is deeply personal. People stay in the closet (or “don’t come out”, or “come in”) for valid reasons, such as the presence of fear and the absence of the feeling of necessity. The same is true for those like me who do come out. For me, it was part of learning how to navigate the intimate aspects of my life. Having crushes on people didn’t exactly feel right for unknown reasons until I knew that being queer had nuances on expectations and values larger than life . They weren’t just things like “if you’re queer, you can’t do X, Y, Z”, but also some of, “if you’re queer, there will be certain dynamics wherein expectations are bound to arise” — and I think this gray area of insecurity, a whirlpool of questioning myself, a confusing cloud that sometimes invades my restless nights, deserves some introspection.
While relationships, dating, and social interactions are generally vague already, I think queerness adds an additional layer for my naive ass to traverse.
For one, I think a lot of gay relationship narratives place heavy emphases on personality or sexuality dynamics. This entire Masc4Masc and tribe bullshit that exists on Grindr, Reddit and other apps should make a sensible person irritated; its basis includes internalized misogyny, and on a general level, a focus on establishing which people gays want to be with. We have been deprived of our basic human rights, so the logic is choosing the best person to fit the shopping list of requirements as to who’s perfect for us. But even beyond this bubble of problematic beliefs, even the general consensus on top-bottom dynamics appears strange for me. People have this idea that being a top (the one who “gives”) mUsT mEaN thAt yOu’Re MaScuLiNe, and that being a bottom (the one who “receives”) mUSt mEaN yOU’Re FeMiNine.
This is the same logic straights use to ask us Filipino queers, “So sinong babae?” (So who’s the woman?), and it makes me so confused: Why the hell do I have to date only tops if I am a bottom? Why the hell should my standard in relationships always be sexual dynamics, given that there are so many intimate, romantic and sexual experiences besides penetrative sex? But that’s just me.
You see, I’m not only a naive queer. I’m also a potato when it comes to relationships. I would completely be fine dating fellow bottoms, tops, sides, or asexual people because I think there’s so much more to a person. Literally if you can’t think of anything in someone’s personality besides their bed position, maybe something’s going on?
Although, it’s hard to escape from this system and find (or wait?) for the fish to wash ashore if the sea itself contains such visceral norms through media, through pop culture and the humdrum of Twitter and society.
But then even if that whole shenanigan weren’t a problem anymore, dating people who were “previously straight” presents a new vortex. I’ve listened to friends recount how their exes of this aforementioned pedigree brought out so much of their insecurities specific to being queer. Especially when the person forwards the wretched gender norms we queers so grudgingly try to fight every day. Saying “sana mas mahinhin ka na lang” (“I hope you were more mellow/feminine instead”) to me, a queer man, would honestly traumatize me. The idea of being an experiment is horrifying. I would have to re-live the experience, that might be familiar for many of my brothers, sisters and non-binary siblings, of believing that we are not enough, because we can’t like the opposite sex, because we dress and talk differently. Imagine feeling free enough to be in the relationship that you’d aspired for — and discovering that the same trauma would be there? Horrible.
And I guess this leads me to the last insecurity I wanted to flag. So about a month ago I’d decided to watch Pearl Next Door, a Girls’ Love YouTube series (I highly recommend this show). After watching this and remembering how #MenAreTrash, my eyes were reopened — I’m really attracted to women and other identities aside from men. I had always recognized that I can be attracted to non-male identities, but I guess I’ve never really actively engaged in considering to date outside of that cesspool until I finished Pearl Next Door. So after the last episode, I went on all of my dating apps and switched preferences, ’cause why not?
But as I started talking to people, I realized something again. I’m a queer, effeminate cis-male. I’m pretty comfortable about my femininity ever since, and I think it’s a matter of not exploring “masculinity” enough in the past, probably because of the qualms laid out above. But then, I get anxious because what if the non-male people I date have expectations of me acting in masculine ways?
Does this mean I have to explain my femininity?
I’ve interacted with several very cool individuals, yes, but that question remains. My insecurity of not being accepted because I’m “not masculine” enough isn’t just for my gay interactions, but also for “straight” ones. Especially for straight contexts I’m in. It’s just hard to be so attracted to a gal but being reserved and held back because of things imposed by institutions (like, idk, the Church?).
These are the insecurities I wanted to gloss over for now. I didn’t really resolve my paragraphs because I like to think of them as emotional boundaries rather than deprecating insecurities (as contradictory as that sounds). I want to unapologetically be me, and I don’t like explaining and changing the facets of myself that make me…my genuine self. As a mere potato, I do not have the energy to fit archaic standards a lot of people have. At all.
And as a lot of tarot readers say, “take it or leave it”. I don’t think it’ll be my loss.
